...I'll let you know when it's "the end" because right now I'm just another person in the middle of the plot.
EDIT: 7 hours later...
I feel sick. (No, I didn't catch the stomach bug that's going around). I feel nauseous, like there's this huge vacuum of sorrow and agony right in the middle of my stomach, and it's trying to take in every last ounce of pain and hurt and abandonment that's lingering in my thoughts, every taste of bitterness that my heart licks up. Yeah...sounds pretty gross, huh? Well...it is.
God is good all the time.
Funny how God allows us to be tested on all the things that we believe and teach. Funny how all day I've pondered the selfish desires I cannot receive due to various events that have taken place over the past half-year. Funny how I thought the only pains I would suffer were nostalgic and in my control. Funny how several hours after I wrote the first draft to this post, the circumstances with a dear, the dearest, friend of mine became EVEN. MORE. COMPLICATED. and now we can't even speak to one another until this friend works through some things...and that could be weeks, months, years...oh Lord, please forbid ever.
God is good all the time.
Funny how I prayed and thought and half-fell-asleep for two hours after we got off the phone and suddenly didn't care what time it was or that I didn't have enough money to buy that mocha frappe I'd wanted earlier or that I'd spent an hour studying Genesis with some friends the hour prior to this conversation. Funny how despite the rotting, stinking pit in my stomach there was a joy that glowed within my heart and kept me from crying too many tears, for my heart could hardly bear any more.
God is good all the time.
Funny how I'm sitting here at 11:14 p.m. typing up a blog post only two or three people might read when I should be sleeping so I'll be well-rested in the morning before I clean a house. Funny how I don't care, because spilling out my heart's refuse and redemption seems more important to me than a full night's rest for some reason. (Maybe our priorities are a little screwy sometimes and we need to redefine importance to mean something other than "you should do this and that").
God is good all the time.
Funny how my heart is battling to hand itself over to God once again and not fear. Funny how God has slowly been revealing His plans to me over the past...oh, who cares how long...and after years of begging for answers I want to plug my ears with my fingers and sing "la la la!" because what I'm hearing is much harder, more complicated, more selfless, more committal than I ever imagined any plans for my life ever being. I just wanted to live in a mud hut and let kids fingerpaint my walls.
God is good all the time.
Funny how...God will heal my stomach vacuum of sorrow, since He has turned my weeping into laughing, turned my mourning into dancing, for HE is good all the time, and whatever trying circumstances and life plans He gives will be more perfect and beautiful and rewarding than I can ever imagine.
God is good. ALL. THE. TIME.
***photo courtesy of Stephanie Carmack***
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